Oh, for the love of tanning oil and SPF50, would someone turn off the sauna already?! It’s not vacation season in Florida… it’s boil-in-your-own-bathing-suit time! The poor old Gulf Coast didn’t just say sayonara to normal temperatures, they’re singing the sizzling sunburn blues all sweltering day long!

You know that old saying, ‘If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen?’ Well, that’s Florida now, only it’s the entire outdoors and there’s no escape from the kitchen… or should we say kiln?!

This isn’t just a bad case of ’the Monday phew-s’! It’s wicked weather like the Sunshine State has never seen before, and trust me, those tan lines are not worth the iron on your skin! As researchers at Columbia University panickingly point out, these are record temperatures that even the sun would find too steamy!

But don’t you hurry to pack your bags for that Antarctic vacay just yet! Those ice caps are a drip-drip-dripping faster than you can say ‘global warming’, thanks to our Gulf Coast curling up into a fiery pit of hellheat, and Mr. Climate Change ain’t backing off!

Don’t you just miss the time when the greatest menace to your beach day was that odd pessimistic seagull? Now we have hurricanes that could blow up our family barbecue, tornadoes that could churn your lemonade into a cyclonic mess and heat waves that cook your hot dogs before they hit the grill!

Ah, sweet Florida, land of fantasy and dizzying theme park rides, now serving as the Earth’s very own French fry deep-fryer! But before you put your summer vacay on indefinite pause, let’s clear one thing up. No, it’s not the end of the world, it’s just the universe telling us that we might need to tone down on the greenhouse gasses.

After all, what’s a few extra degrees among friends? Nothing a triple-layered SPF1000 and a sunshade the size of Texas can’t handle! So come on down to Florida - the state that’s hotter than your ‘hot pot’ and spicier than your salsa!